Expectations
Is it wrong to expect people to behave a certain way? I have heard concelors and Dr.s say that the only person you can change is yourself. I believe if we expect and encourage different types of behavior then people will behave accordingly. This has been shown to work in mob behavior and the fact that people are not just killing everyone who upsets them becuase this is not acceptable. Then have we not changed someones behavior? The reason I am asking is this. I think that this society does not expect children to take care of the old and so there is no sense of obligation. My husband took care of his children when they were weak and poor. Now he is weak and yet I don't see many coming to his aid. My husband cannot be left alone. And I can not be in the house tending to him 24 hours a day especially as I have had in my life the opportuinity to create businesses that I now am running. I have seen one child in two weeks come and watch him. Why do I need to bring in paid help when if every child took a day once every other week (thats just twice a month) to come over and help. In Islam it is an honor to have the opportunity to take care of an aged parent. This is an important step if you want to get to Heaven. Even the Bible says honor thy mother and father. So why are they so neglectful? So heedless in their intention towards their father? It has always made me feel good to do something for my parents. Maybe thats just me. I am not angry that they don't help just ....I don't know, sad to think that this is the life of many older folks to be left alone. Thank God that I am able to take care of my husband but what about the others without a healthy, wealthy wife or husband. I think that any of you young folks out there should think about the fact that one day God willing you will live to be old. Teach your children now that as you took care and were obligated to them that someday they will take care and be obligated to you.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by James Rick on -
Kim,
There are two points here I would like to respond to:
1) Expectations in general
2) Obligations towards one's aging parents
On expectations - whenever we expect something outside of ourselves, disappointment inevitably follows. That's because every person has individual free agency and their values, beliefs and thus perceptions are different from ours. What you expect them to do will hardly ever be in alignment with what you expect from yourself. So the only thing you can really ever expect out of others is that they won't live up to your ideal. That said, I think it's important to always help others see the potential in themselves while still accepting them if they don't live up to it.
On obligations towards ones aging parents - your justification of this obligation appears to be this 'the way things were' in the past or 'the ways things are' in other cultures. But no person, not even parents ever have the right to expect something out of someone else. Every person has free choice, they can use it to give or withhold their ability to give. Should you damn a person for exercising free choice in ways that are not aligned with past or other cultural ideals?
Perhaps it's important to first understand their reasons and share with them in your point of view. You might be surprised with what a few minutes of candid conversation might yield either in helping you understand their position and accepting it, or convincing them that giving aid is in everyone's best interest. Sharing mental maps is the key to mutual understanding.
So going forward - would it not be better to drop words like expectation and obligation and influence more with communication, empathy and compassion?
My final thought: it sounds like you are in a tough position. Are you giving out of obligation or have you learned to give with compassion? Perhaps this is the seed of greater value.
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly Maayteh on -
As we are expected to take care of our children so are they expected to take care of us. We have had conversations between the kids. Their only excuse is that they are busy. I am going to sound trite here but "what ever" They all agree that he was a good father and they never needed for anything. Was he a perfect father no. Because had he been the type of father one kid wanted he would not have been the type of father another would wanted. He was who he was, and he never refused his children his time, money or love.
To the outside world and I have heard their friends say that they had a great life and that they wished that they had a father like him there isn't resentment from the kids towards him.
Now I have heard a saying we belong to our children they do not belong to us. However as we sow so shall we reap. I am not raising my son to think that once he grows up he can abandon all thought of me. I will do what ever I must to insure his success as a member of society. However if I am using my money to educate him rather than take the trip around the world or spending my time taking him to baseball or swimming. Then some compensation is be expected. And I will give him the choice. I will pay for your education and you will watch out for me in my old age. (I will get this in writing)
I get the feeling that the thinking today is that we as parents should sacrifice our money, time, and energy for our children because it is the right thing to do we are obligated to them. And they in return can flip us off and say hasta la vista baby when they are grown. I will never go along with this party line.
Really my position is not tough. I, thank God have the financial resources to take care of my husband but what of others who are not as fortunate as me? Who will be the voice for the weak, poor and old? by the way where is the spell check.
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Permalink Reply by Patricia Rioux on -
Kim , I know what your going though and no one ever said life was fair, it is unfortunet that your husband is dieing and you have to begg his kids to see him. Maybe they just dont realize the cirumstance and the seriousness of his illness. It will be ok, because they will have to live with thier choises and God knows your heart. I would like to think that I could depend on my children in my dieing days. who knows it could be tomarrow, I am a very sick indiviual, all my DR's say I am a complicated case and no one know what tomarrow will bring .
Today there are so many challenges and we pray we raise our kids right, but there is no perfect parent nor child. Every one gose through difficulties. I try not to expect obligations, I do however think about it and I pray for answers and they are heard, you dont always get what you pray for in the way you always want it, but God does hear us and just because we dont see it doesnt mean its not there. I would sacrifice my self for my mother but I also came from a different generation.
Disapointment sometimes can be a discruagement to the other person and some people just dont have compassion in there bones, even if you comunicate it to them. Yes I express myself to my children and they express thier self to me it can be a hard exsperence but it is a gift.
I believe that our kids are the future, and they are going to make mistakes but I also try to see the full potentcail, in them and try to steer them in that direction, but it is up to them .(I know) as they grow older that they will remember the things I said.
It is inevitable that any person has thier own desstanation. and once we teach our kids to walk we are teaching them to walk away and be thier own person ( our future). Some times it does not matter how good a parent you are, our influence and our values, communication and compation. Some times we need to give tough love, this is not giveing up on them. We let go and let God and our hearts are open to empathy. Believe believe believe. and they can be turned around. Patience is a key factor, Let go and Let god, Pray for them and believe in your prayers.
Love Patricia
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Permalink Reply by Shine on -
I am single and never have a kid but I wanted to have one even without a father because for me a child is more worth to take care than the husband. But its maybe because we are in different country so we have different cultures but eventhough a kids nowadays are more rebellious and carefree which a mom's-to-be scared of that notion. But raising our own child is our happiness, their achievements is our achievements, their sorrow, failure is ours too but I never think that someday my own child will take care of me when I grow old. My obligation is to raise my child in a very fruitful, good, happy and most of all full of love. But I know the fact that Child cannot only learn from us although a family is a first fundamental school. The surroundings is the most scary medium that our child will adopt, learn and explore. They will ask many Whys and comparisons but I already sow a good behavior on my child and a good bonding together..I know that I told this its because I am single but I will not Expect too much from my child because someday my child will be a parent too and that's the time my child will pay for whatever obligation he /she neglected on me...
I agree of what the Bible says..Honor thy mother and father...and if you sow good, you will reap good..but I will not obligate my child to take care of me because I believe that if you raise your child with love and understanding...Our kid will be lovingly and willingly take care of us but they wont feel or think it as OBLIGATION..
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Permalink Reply by James Rick on
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Charina -
Your first paragraph seems to be a healthy view of non expectation. Your second paragraph contains a hint of expectation when you say: "I believe that IF you raise your child with love and understanding - THEN our kid will be lovingly and willingly take care of us but they won't feel or think it as obligation" ..
You are making an assumption about what the child will do and how they will think. Will you be disappointed if they don't do what you believe, or think as you assume they will - even after you've given them all your love for so many years?
- JR
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Permalink Reply by Shine on
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Yes it was an assumption of my believes. Because that's what I saw in many families and even my friends when we were talking about our old folks and growing old. But eventhough if my kid will not going to take care of me when I grow old I will not be disappointed as I will preparing for it, but don't tell me I wont get hurt because he/she is my own kid and supposed to give me love before I die. ..thanks for the reply..looking forward for new discussions...:-)
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Permalink Reply by Mae Sevilla on -
Taking care of someone should never be seen as an obligation. We take care of relatives and friends not because of the relationship we have with them, but because we do what we can to help each other as people, as humans with needs to be filled and gifts to share.
I come from a country where the cycle of "expectations" between parents and children is the unspoken rule. Parents take care of their children, then eventually, the children will take care of their parents. This is very heavily practiced as a form of payment for "utang na loob", favors.
I speak from the point of view of the child. I am all for taking care of my parents. I do this not because I feel that I have to, but because I love them and this is my way of showing them my love. Raising us, we never felt that our parents had to do things because they were our parents. They provided us with home, shelter, food, clothing and lots of love not because we were their kids, but because they truly wanted to give us the best. Now in return, we do the same for them not because we feel that we have to since they're old and sick but because we want to be there for them.
I think the problem these days is that sometimes people (especially younger people) forget that taking care of others does not end with writing a check for medicine, hospital bills or personal assistants/nurses. Yes, it's much easier to do that, but it is not the best way to show how we care for the others who need us. After all, growing up, what counted was not having the most expensive or latest toy but having a friend or a relative play with you, right?
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